The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
You Might Also Like
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Narrator: they had a son born in 2001
Me: omg he must be like 10 by now that’s crazy
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”