[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
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“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Investing in beetcoin
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
yeah 😭
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.