My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
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I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No