PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
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The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Hotels are back
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.