How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
You Might Also Like
6. me as a lawyer
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
the worm is coming from inside the brain
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.