It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
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*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
so, is there a mister shapen head
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I’m not proud
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot