Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My dad.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.