parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
You Might Also Like
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
#winning
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.