Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
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*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.