me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
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DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.