Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
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My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
We need to put an American base on the sun
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that