Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now