If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.