non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
You Might Also Like
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.