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i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
This is always good for a laugh.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?