how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
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[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it