My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
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Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
#catsoftwitter
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.