me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
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Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.