Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
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Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.