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[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.