My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
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Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
the best thing i’ve ever made
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop