me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
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Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
Hot hot hot 🥵
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?