I hate what you’ve done with the place.
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?