“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
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Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno