🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
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iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says