spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something