I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
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The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.