Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]