*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.