They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
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“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.