who wants to go expliring
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My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.