If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
😆this is so true
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting