Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
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I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’m sorry…what?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd