6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.