“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
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ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad