[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
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There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?