[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
#FunnyLife Insects
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.