What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.