You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
You Might Also Like
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*