glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
*cough*
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.