If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
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me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
goldfish mafia
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?