*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
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On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Something Saturday.
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.