“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
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The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
Cha-ching is my safe word
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?