hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
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Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.