I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
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You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…