i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
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WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
concern
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.
I repeat, don’t do it.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.