[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
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If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.