A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍