*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
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Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
this is the news I live for
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit