When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
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“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Finally!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.